Friday, November 23, 2012

"Bear with!" said Lynette, putting on an English accent and holding up her index finger to indicate we should wait.

So, perhaps you think everything in this trip was about Twilight and the premiere and muffins. It was not! Here I will briefly showcase the LA trip that I told all my coworkers I went on...

I told my boss about how we visited Venice beach and the canals...
Piney takes in the Pacific...
I left out that we went to Cafe Intelligentsia for personal reasons (cough, Chris Weitz) and that I bought a pair of mustard pants from Alternative Apparel for humour's sake (cough cough) (and they were 50% off and fit like a glove!)

I told my boss we ate at the infamous In 'n Out burgers and did the "silly Hollywood thing" at Grauman's Theatre. 

I left out that we went to the In 'n Out that Rob goes to (apparently) and then, with In 'n Out props in hand, we leg hitched each other Eclipse style at the Twilight handprints...
omg Kristen has the tiniest hands, ever. ALSO, StoneBumChum is wearing her Lobsterward shirt!!!
...and that me and StoneBumChum reenacted the Krupert...

Ok, so I'm a little short, and we're missing a railing
and LA Dodgers hat, but you get the point!

And of course I told my boss we went to the Getty Center, which houses some fabulous European works of art and has spectacular architecture and sweeping and unexpected views of LA and the ocean...

van Gogh's "Irises"
 I didn't tell her about... well, no, actually nothing too crazy occurred at the Getty :)

Ashram Esme FTW!!!! :D
And of course, I did mention to my boss that we perhaps drank a little too much... but we'll save that for another post ;)


Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!

Unless you're from Canada... that was so last month.  Or you're from some other not America country (half of my readers).  But, you can still enjoy this delicious Macy's Parade mock-up by Stacey of The Staceys of Talk Supe.

Time for Tofurkey!!! NOM NOM NOM.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

"I love a good lineup!" exclaimed Zoe.

We should've entitled Ashram Esme just simply Murphy's Law. Because each and every time something could go wrong, it did. Whatever couldn't possibly be any worse, suddenly was worse. And let's not even bring up the airport saga we went through getting to LAX.  JFK airport's dead, Angela! Don't bring it up again.

What it's like NOT to meet Stephenie Meyer after waiting 4 hours in the sun to do so.

Saturday morning there was a SURPRISE! slotted for 10:00am in our itinerary, so I dressed cute and brought stuff to have signed. After realizing it was not the mass celebrity meet and greet, we quickly surmised that it was Stephenie Meyer. That morning was the morning we learned the hard way that Summit and CHE (Chad Hudson Events, who put on the whole thing) have a serious case of mismanagement, miscommunication, and Schadenfreude. 

This horrible blonde woman was calling number groups (based on your wristband) so it wasn't a bum rush or whatever. It was a random drawing, only they didn't tell us that not all of us were going to meet Stephenie. They didn't tell us anything except to MOVE BACK! in really surly tones.

I'll let PineyLonesome explain... she really paints the setting most accurately:
First, she decided to call out numbers without using any sort of megaphone or microphone or visual aid. None of us could hear her due to the ambient crowd noise. It would have been so easy to write the numbers down on a poster and have someone hold up the poster. It would have been even easier to make use of the massive JumboTron screen behind her. Or, she could get a megaphone. At some point, one of her staff handed her a megaphone (halfway into the signing) and she started calling out numbers, but the megaphone was defective. It made it even worse. Some people started to tweet out the numbers, which was also helpful (If you had the Wifi password, and Wifi password was only given out via rumor and word of mouth instead of being posted anywhere, you know, ACCESSIBLE).

But even worse than her complete lack of competence was her condescending attitude. She told us that if anyone in line failed to obey the rules, we'd all lose our privilege. Another girl there, who is a preschool teacher, told me that she occasionally uses those tactics on the 3 year olds (but she didn't like to do that since it punishes the really good kids at the expense of the really bad kids).

Then the blonde woman kept making us repeat after her "1 photo, 1 autograph, don't bring anything else to sign." Then, because she thought it was funny, she'd occasionally yell out (with clarity somehow) stupid questions like "HOW MANY PHOTOS?" and "HOW MANY AUTOGRAPHS" and "WHAT SHOULD YOU BRING TO SIGN." People in the audience responded. Except LTT people and a few others, because we all are adults and can fucking follow instructions and don't need someone to quiz us nonstop about said instructions.
After all the numbers were called, which no one said "That's it, guys! Sorry!", we were left standing around confused, trying to see if that was the end of the signing or if SM was just taking a lunch break. The CHE team had left to go work on the concert set up, which was quickly approaching in the itinerary slot and right in the same area we were all standing. It was 700 people completely baffled and rightfully pissed off, stood around going, "WTF IS GOING ON! Are we NOT meeting Stephenie?"

Finally the blonde woman said to us, "I'm going to check with Stephenie and see if she's willing to stay longer to meet more people. Don't be upset...yet."



So, we stood for about 10 minutes next to the other slighted Twihards (including Nutty Madame, mind you) and then decided, "Screw this, let's get lunch." and we did. Skipping the Twilight Concert in which basically every famous person ever associated with Twilight attended (no, not actually, just five).  (eye roll)  Whatever.


By Sunday, the day we assumed we'd meet Guri (who wasn't even in LA, btw), I knew that I had to dress down and not bring anything to sign. Expect nothing. NOTHING. Because as soon as you expect more than a stale yet somehow slightly moist blueberry muffin and an epic shaft of a celebrity meet-and-greet, they will suddenly run out of  bagels and Peter Facinelli will skip ONLY your section and then wave to everyone like he did sign your Return of the Volturi poster.

Clearly Peter is waving directly at Ashram Esme.

Luckily, my plan worked. PFach turned out looking deliciously hot, and stood close enough for me to make out with him. I did not make out with him, don't worry. If I had, you wouldn't be getting these after-the-fact-updates from me, since I would've been kicked out of Fan Camp stat.

In addition to people giving us free stuff, we also got to meet-and-greet (use of the term "meet" loosely here) Jackson, Maggie Grace (ADORE!), Mia Maestro, MyAnna Buring (Downton Abbey ftw), BooBoo Radley, and some kid named Brandon who played a wolf in BD2.

*Drool* He was so hot in person. Cannot express how hot.

I'm going to pretend we are in a park together in this photo,
and he is pouring me a glass of wine while I'm lying back,
propped up on my elbows, looking up at him. (nods)
MyAnna sees you... (Seriously no clue what's happening here,
but I own that exact shade of lipstick)

Jackson signing Piney's Twilight novel and looking dapper.
Brandon guy signing the Ashram Esme banner.
StoneBumChum, the artist, featured on right :)

Mia looking cute
Still looking cute
I loved you on LOST, Maggie!
Go Team Seth!

After all of that nonsense, we left to go to the beach. Well, that was the plan at least for me, Piney, and Ilene. We'd head to the hotel, drop some stuff off, then go to Venice Beach. The weather was gorgeous, nothing was standing in our way... 

Except that when we got down to the main camp area (Group Sex got shafted to the parking garage, did we mention that?  Remember when we mentioned that before like it was a joke and not going to happen? Well, it did happen. Fur realz. Murphy showed up and laid down his law), there were all these OTHER celebrities doing meet and greet with the people in the main camp. And the organization of it was so ridiculous that the celebrities were all on the outside and the fan camp people on the inside, but then all the Group Sex people walking by were...on the outside! Which enabled some entertaining things to occur...

Do you recall when I was all, "Oh, I might meet Charlie Bewley!"?  

I did.

He's so much taller than I expected!
In an email to Spirit Camp I expanded on the story... 
The most memorable thing at Fan Camp (besides all the glorious times with my Ashram Esme girls) was meeting Charlie Bewley and Traci and KBV seeing me on the "wrong" side of the guardrail (Charlie's side). On our walk back to regular Tent City (Groups 1-5's tents), we saw Erik Odom in a henley that was nearly the same color as Tom Hiddleston's eyes, and Piney got a photo of us right after some girl serenaded him with her mandolin playing (NOT LYING).
Erik Odom photo bomb!!!
This was taken while he was recording the serenade.
Yes, I am laughing at the absurdity.
Then was looking for Guri. And I mean LOOKING. I scoured the regular Tent City like an eagle looking for a rabbit. No Guri. There was Noel, but no Guri. Where was he? I started tweeting it out: Guri WHERE ARE YOU? And some girl in Scotland gave me false hope in her reply. By then Piney was long gone, back to the hotel to get ready for our trip to the beach. But I wanted Guri. It was serious. That was when I looked up and saw Charlie Bewley basically 10 ft in front of me, with no barrier in the way, no anything. Just Charlie, his handler, and a small throng of girls on the other side of the barrier. I approached him and somehow managed to speak in a normal sounding voice, "Are you Charlie?" at which point he turned back, looked me in the eye, smiled, and said, "Yes."  I asked for a photo, the whole thing was surreal. I was so unprepared. I had nothing to sign, nothing but my camera phone [and boobs?]. I debated telling him that Jules says hi. But I didn't want to be that creepy girl who is friends with his friend. So, I just thanked him and his handler and walked away in anonymity trying to escape the Fan Camp barriers (there was no exit that way). By the time I'd rounded back to find another way out, more girls had discovered Charlie's precarious lack of barrier placement and there was a line on both sides (one sympathized with the behind-the-barrier girls who got the shaft).  Then I tweeted the photo of me and Charlie to Jules, who thought it was hilarious and asked if I'd told him to put his cap on correctly. In the words of Mr. Hiddleston, "Ehehehehe."
Erik is an illuminated manuscript.
Oh, and in case you were wondering... we definitely made it to the beach!

and the Venice Canals...


Return of the Volturi

Here is the poster I made for Breaking Dawn 2

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

We did this (past tense of Let's do this)

Yeah, we went, we waited, we waited some more, we wandered, we waited some more, we walked a lot, we drank a lot, we waited more.... and then it happened. Black carpet. Premiere film. Me thinking Rob's eyes were pretty (I don't know even know myself anymore). All of us deciding we liked Kristen as much as KStewBoy does because her dress did NOT look like THAT in real look phenomenally gorgeous and super tasteful. We saw all 3 of our men we wanted to see (Billy Burke, Michael Sheen, and Daniel Cudmore) and StoneBumChum got a compliment for her mustache from SheenPeen. Yes, that's right, Sheen looked her in the eye and told her he liked her mustache.

Sheen reading our Aro sign... right before he
laughed and complimented StoneBumChum

The film is amazing. Go see it!!! Go!!!!!!

More to come, but I'll leave you with my favorite Rob photo, because it's everyone's iphone background now...

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

America Rocks! Go Vote and Donate to Sandy Victims

Happy Election Day, Americans!  Remember to GO VOTE! :)

In light of not having much to say today other than that, I decided to get down to the nitty gritty of Hurricane Sandy and the impending winter (Winter is coming, indeed).  I may have power and such, but lots of people still do not, the gas has basically run out for both cars and generators, and thousands of people don't even need power because they physically do not have a house any more.

You can help! Here are some ideas and locations to send physical goods. Please ship with the most expedited option if you're sending physical goods because the people here need those things NOW.

Note: No more general clothing items are needed. But I'm sure your local Salvation Army or Goodwill will be happy to receive your gently used clothing donations.

My friend knows people in Breezy Point (where all those houses burnt to the ground and the others flooded) and has given me the info for that area. Make sure you write SANDY RELIEF DONATIONS on your box. The people there need the following
  • Diapers
  • Shoes
  • Underwear (new!)
  • Bras
  • Brushes
  • Soap and other toiletries (toothpaste, toothbrushes--individual packs, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, tampons/pads)
  • Baby Wipes
  • Batteries (mostly AA)
  • Blankets
  • Giftcards to places like Target, Walmart, CVS, etc.
Mail these items to:
Silver Gull
1 Beach 193rd Street
Breezy Point, NY 11697

Breezy Point also needs fire/construction goods such as:
  • Worker gloves
  • Heavy duty trash bags
  • Worker boots
Mail these items to:
1 Fireman's Plaza
Breezy Point, NY 11697

Occupy Sandy is an organized group who is sending out groups of volunteers daily to the hardest hit areas (Rockaways, NJ, Staten Island, Breezy Point, and Lower East Side). They have created an Amazon Registry to make it easy to know exactly what to send. If you already have these items, you can simply ship them directly to their collection point. Make sure you write SANDY RELIEF DONATIONS on your box.

NY Relief Registry:
NJ Relief Registry:

They listed these as greatest needs: Blankets, Candles, Flashlights and Head Lamps, Lights, Water, Food (non-perishable, ready-to-eat, and stuff you'd actually want to eat; Remember these people have NO power), Batteries (for flashlights), Diapers and Wipes, Baby Formula, Gloves and Masks, Rubber boots, Shovels, Cleaning supplies and bleach, Trash bags, Serving dishes and utensils, Anything that produces heat, Winter wear (jackets, hats, gloves, warm stuff).

NY Relief:
Ship goods to:
Church of St. Luke and St. Matthew in Clinton Hill
520 Clinton Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11238


St. Jacobi Church
5406 4th Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11220

NJ Relief:
Barrow Mansion
83 Wayne St.
Jersey City, NJ 07302

People definitely need blankets and winter clothing!  Just imagine your high school gym or church basement with a bunch of cots full of people whose homes are destroyed... Now imagine the highs are 45F in the daytime and the gym/basement doesn't have power. That's the current situation for hundreds of families. Send Blankets and Warm Coats, Scarves, Hats, Gloves!!!

As winter approaches, more than ever people will be needing coats. Many people cannot keep coats throughout the year, so they have to buy a new one each year and simply cannot afford to do so and put food on the table as well. This year all of those people PLUS all of the people who lost their homes will need coats.  All sizes, all ages, all genders. Make sure you write NYCARES COAT DRIVE on your box.

Mail coats to:
New York, NY 10001

If you simply want to donate money, that's totally fine and way easier than shipping stuff. 
Any amount helps!

You of course can easily donate to the Red Cross here:

And I'll also suggest donating to NYCares here:

NYCares is the major volunteering network in NYC. More info on them here. 

Thanks and I will see everyone in Ashram Esme TOMORROW EVENING! :D


Monday, November 5, 2012

Keep Your Climate Change Off My Flight to LAX!

First it's the hurricane, then it's the Nor'easter.

This storm better stay the heck away from my airport. That's all I'm saying.  And then the weather is saying back to me, "As if you can outrun me! As if you can fight me off!"

In the words of Golum: GO AWAY!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Wolf Pack Call!

We are so close to go time, people.

Let's Do This!

New Moon Style Wolf Pack Call!

From the East!
From the North!
From across the Pond!
Let's Do This!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

I'm looking forward to...

So, you know how something like a major election, a Super Storm (not from X-Men), or 3 weeks worth of work shoved into 1 week during which a major storm hits and you're not sure if you'll make it out okay gets you all distracted from the really obvious big thing that's coming up in a week?

That happened to me. Luckily I'd already loaded all that WeirdoG fanfic of Nat's.


Wednesday night, while attempting to get to sleep (totally in vain, btw), I let my mind wander to a place I'd not been since 2010... CHARLIE BEWLEY!  It was a weird sensation. He has pretty eyes and such, and he's a great flirt. I love a great flirt!  But he sort of got lost on my radar at some point... I think it was when his twitter feed became so excessively boring and running related that I unfollowed him. I won't apologize for that, not even now.  Regardless, I was thinking about how exciting it will be to FINALLY meet Guri Weinberg, and my mind's enactment of that event (which is yet to occur) led me to a full-on brain fantasy with Charlie Bewley.

It was fun. Flirty, relaxing. He signed my poster and I said a clever thing and it was all... normal. Fun. Then I quoted Doctor Who's "Blink" line: You're missing the BIG question. And Charlie said, "What's the BIG question?" the way Carey Mulligan does in the actual episode (I'd just watched "Blink" that night as my scary Halloween treat) and just as Michael Obiora responds, I said: Will you have a drink with me?  Of course, this is my brain and my fantasy, so clearly Charlie said yes. We got beers at a real brewery a friend of my friend owns and then he half-jokingly offered to fly me to Whistler for snowboarding. I declined. He kissed me. I put my wedding ring in my pocket.

This has always been my favorite photo of Bewley... and that silly Starbucks one in Vancouver (saved to my hard drive).

It was a good, simple, mostly clean fantasy.

But it left me thinking, "Oh my gosh! I completely forgot he was even IN these films and will actually BE at this event."  Like, I might MEET Charlie Bewley, who I was totally into 2 years ago, in like 5 days!  What kind of insanity is that?

Yeah, I'm pretty excited, guys.
Don't disappoint, Bewley! I want your ridiculous. SO MUCH.

ps-Michael Obiora is pretty hot, in case you were wondering.
And he has an ENTIRE segment of his website dedicated
to shirtless photos of himself. Which I find
endearing and hilariously off-putting all at once.

 ALSO, Charlie finally has an age listed on wikipedia. 31... hm.... Okay, Bewley. Okay.

See you people on Wednesday.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Hurricane Sandy, Meet Shitshow2012

So.... I survived the hurricane (yay!) and my apartment did too (yay!) and my power grid and water source did too (yay yay!)  Which meant that I was all set to keep on working FT at my home office job that sometimes requires more than FT amounts of work...  and thus no time for this blog because I have to make all my deadlines happen before I fly to LA.

AS YOU KNOW, we got into Group Sex since we were on The Wait List Saga, Part I.  It's all very exciting. It's like... they have these check-in times, and you feel like, "What are cmaping out for, if it's so organized?"  BUT for Group Sex, our check-in time slot is basically 5 hours long. So it's GUARANTEED I will be waiting AT LEAST 5 hours in line for this premiere.  Which is, in a distant and uncomfortable way, rather exciting!!!

So, that's all I have time for now. I hope you enjoyed the Fan Fiction by Pineylonesome as much as I did.  Also, can I just say that I am not even feeling embarrassed when I pause and rewind my DVRed commercials if the Breaking Dawn preview comes on.  HECK YES!

Well chuffed for this, people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This airport flooding was SO three days ago!!!!!! LET'S DO THIS!!!!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Wait List, Part V

Happy Halloween, everyone! The Wait List concludes today with a stunning finale and tantalizing post script. It will leave you wanting much more from the lovely PineyLonesome...

"Shit, Edward, shit. That's my Dad. Shit, shit, shit." Bella quickly slid off of Edward's lap.
Edward's erection instantly softened. Well, as soft as a vampire erection was able to get, which by human standards would have been considered satisfyingly hard. He straightened out his pants, then rolled down the window.
"Officer Swan, I am so sorry. Bella missed her bus and I was giving her a ride home. Bella noticed something in my eye and she was was helping me extract it," Edward calmly stated.
Charlie's eyes seemed red with anger. Actually, they just seemed red. Bright red. Edward immediately knew that Charlie had been turned. But by whom? How? When? Why? His cell phone had been buzzing while Bella had been on his lap, but he'd turned it off, not wanting to be distracted. Perhaps he should have checked it.
"Yes, I'm sure Bella was just giving you an eye wash...with her tongue. You are an awful liar, by the way. Bella, come with me. We are going home," Charlie announced.
Edward knew that Charlie was a newborn and needed blood immediately. Bella might not be safe with him. He grabbed Charlie by his arm and ran into the woods with him to find an animal to feed on. When he got to the woods, Rosalie was already there, with a freshly killed deer.
"Sorry Edward. Next time, check your fucking texts," Rosalie said as she offered the deer to Charlie. Charlie wasted no time. He sucked the deer dry, his face dripping with fresh warm blood. Rosalie hoped his new vampire blood in his system would help with his erectile dysfunction problems. She noted that Charlie looked incredibly hot as he was feeding. Hotter than Emmett, who often lapped blood like a cat at the carcass of his deer. She always found his lapping to be a complete turn-off. What kind of vampire laps instead of sucks?
After Charlie was sated with 24 ounces of deer blood, Edward and Rosalie explained the situation. How Bella was being bullied and would continued to be threatened until she signed the wait list form. They then explained the wait list. Charlie had always thought the wait list was just some local urban legend, but he'd also wondered why so many people in town had simply disappeared. He had been more inclined to suspect vampires than the mill boiler.
"Sorry, Charlie," Rosalie said. Charlie looked at her and instead of yelling, he thanked her.
"Honestly, immortality comes in handy when you are a cop. Especially the only cop in town. So thank you. I've always wanted to be immortal. But what about Bella? How will she handle this information?" Charlie asked.
"We'll take care of Bella. You'll be fine. She'll be fine. We'll all be fine, now," said Edward.
The End.

Post Script
Charlie volunteered to take all boiler room shifts at the mill, in order to save other citizens from being led to their fiery deaths. He trained Jasper and Emmett to be deputy sheriffs. Everyone was happy with their new careers.
Rosalie fell in love with Charlie for his humanitarian acts and valor. She dumped Emmett, who was relieved because he never actually loved her.
Bella fully kissed Edward later on that evening. Edward had convinced Charlie to go out for more hunts with Rosalie so he could be alone with Bella. He instructed Bella to take a shower and get warmed up, then he would have a surprise for her. When Bella exited the shower, she noticed her towel was missing. In its place was Edward with a small face cloth. He dried her off, part by part. As he dried, he kissed her, part by part. When he reached her lips, he skipped the drying and kissed her, hard, like she had hoped to be kissed by him. His restraint training failed and he broke the bathroom sink and shower tiles trying to hold back the force of his erection. Though the bathroom was destroyed, Bella was unharmed save for a few pink slap marks on her naked ass.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Wait List, Part IV

Part IV of The Wait List... whatever will PineyLonesome thrill us with today?!

"Bella, I need you to breathe in. A deep breath. Then out." Edward took both of her hands in his.
Bella did as she was instructed. She wasn't feeling well. Edward had not been joking. She could tell that what he was saying was the truth. She wondered how she could get her father to leave town. She wondered if Charlie knew the truth.
"Kiss me, Edward. I want to know what you have to say, but I'm also worried whatever it is will freak me out and then we won't kiss. Right now, I don't know anything. So kiss me, before it is too late. I don't want to be like two characters in a rom-com series, where they almost kiss in the first episode. But then someone walks in on them with horrible news, right before they kiss. The viewer then has to endure 4 fucking seasons and 3 other failed relationships for them to kiss again. Let's skip those 4 seasons and lovers, Edward, shall we?"
Bella looked so sincere and beautiful. He couldn't resist a proposition like that. Edward scooted over, towards Bella, and allowed her to straddle him. He put his hand on her face, hoping that his years of restraint training worked. He was nearly certain he could keep his cock in his pants and his fangs in his mouth. Nearly. His extensive training had prepared him to deal with attractive women (and men), but they hadn't prepared him for Bella.
He put his hands through her hair and kissed her on her cheek. Her breath was warm against his ears. "I'm going to kiss you now, Edward. On your lips," she whispered. "Are you ready for this?"
Edward nodded, and mumbled "ummmm-hmmm" under his breath. Bella ran two fingers down the side of his face, then down his neck. She kissed his chin first. Her lips were soft and hotter than he remembered human lips to be. The restraint trainer had warm lips, sensuous lips. But they were not as hot as Bella's, nor as full and moist.  He ran his hands down the length of her back, resting them on her hips. Bella smiled. She kissed him on his left cheek, then his right. She moved to the center of his face and kissed his nose. He could smell the soap on her skin. It was lavender and mint soap, and it smelled fresh. She must have showered very recently. He could also smell her flesh. It was sweet and a little spicy, and mixed with sweat and salt. He had the sudden urge to lick her, but he knew if he did that, his restraint would cease.
He noticed a whirl of red lights in the car. At first he thought he was having some sort of lust-induced seizure. Maybe his restraint had led to some sort of vampire stroke. He looked out of the window. It was Charlie. Charlie was standing outside the driver side door, holding a baton and looking very angry.

Monday, October 29, 2012

The Wait List, Part III

The Wait List continues today in the third installment of the story...

Bella looked across the parking lot. It was empty. He was gone. Of course he was gone. 15 minutes is a long time to wait for someone who is not yet a friend. Damn it. If she ran, she'd at least catch the last bus home.
She adjusted her backpack and started running toward the bus lot. She got there just as the last bus had left the stop. The walk home was at least 45 minutes and it had just started to rain. Again. This time, the rain was colder, as it was part of an cold front coming down from the gulf of Alaska.  
She started walking along the side of the main road, which did not have a sidewalk. Her pants were soggy. Her shoes were muddy. Her hair, which still hadn't dried from her earlier shower, was completely soaked. Jessica drove by and rolled down her window. "I can give you a ride home, but you'll need to join the wait list," she taunted. "Fat fucking chance, Jessica!" Bella replied.  Jessica aimed her car toward the puddle near Bella, skidded her wheels, and sprayed Bella with dirty pavement water. Misery. This was misery.
Another car slowed down beside her. No doubt one of Jessica's groupies. She turned away in order to avoid more puddle dousing. "Get in," a voice called. It was a male voice. It was Edward's voice. The car pulled over to the point where the asphalt gave way to the mud.
"Sorry...I'm soaking. I'm going to ruin your seats, " Bella warned.
"I don't care about these seats. Get in now, it's not safe out there" Edward demanded.
Bella sat down. Edward put the heater on and directed the vents to her face and feet. The instant warmth felt wonderful.  She placed her hands to the vent after her face had dried and let the hot air warm her pruny, cold fingers. "Thank you. Thank you. I'll help pay for the mud cleaning," she told Edward. They were quiet for the next 10 minutes as she felt her body temperature slowly climb back to 98.6 degrees. He pulled onto her street. She didn't remember telling him where she lived, but maybe she had. She was exhausted.
"I live on the fourth house down, on the left. But do you mind driving a little further? There's a dirt road at the end of the street. Would you mind pulling off on it when you get to it?" Bella asked.
Edward nodded. They passed her house. The lights were still off, meaning her father wasn't home yet. He was probably working another late shift.
Edward pulled off to the side road and turned the car off. "You can kiss me now," he joked.
Bella unstrapped herself from her car seat. She moved to his side of the car. He looked nervous. He had been joking about her kissing him, but she was serious. She needed to kiss him. She reached over and unclicked his belt buckle.
"Listen, about the list. I need to tell you something. And it might scare you. Ready?"
Bella nodded. Guess the kiss would have to wait, she thought.
"When you sign the list, you are basically signing one of your parents up to work the boiler room at the mill. It is the most dangerous assignment. The boiler is unstable and often just blows, but someone needs to be there to constantly attend to it. The mill cannot afford another boiler. No one wants that awful job, so it is scheduled by a lottery system. If your number is picked, one of your parents has the shift. The more people on the list, the less likely the odds for one of your parents to be picked. No one has ever served more than five shifts there without being killed by that boiler. So that's why they want you to sign the list. To sign your Dad up for the lottery." 
Bella went pale. Edward took her hand.
"Jesus. That's awful," Bella replied. She started to cry. She couldn't lose her father. 
"Your Dad has avoided the list since he's the only cop in town, and he's had no one sign the list for him. People can't put themselves on the list, that's one of the strange rules. Now that you are here, people expect you to put him on the list. They are going to hound you until you sign it, Bella. The bullying will get worse. And if you don't sign it, Charlie will be forced into working the shift. No lottery option." Edward hated to be the one to tell her the horrific nature of the list, but he knew that if he didn't, no one else would.
Bella looked shocked. She actually looked like she might pass out. He had to think fast.
"There is a way to keep your Dad safe, though. It's not conventional and it is pretty extreme, but it will keep him safe," Edward stated.

"I can't lose him," replied Bella.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Wait List, Part II

Read the next installment of pineylonesome's "The Wait List"...

"I'm Bella, by they way," Bella said.
"I know. You've been the talk of the school. The one person here who hasn't joined the wait list. They have been calling you Weirdo-G. I'm Edward, by the way," he said as he extended his hand to shake hers. 
Bella shook his hand. It was cool but not clammy, and had a very firm grip. For a gothy dude, he was quite friendly and personable. "Why do they call me Weirdo-G? What does the G stand for?" she asked.
"I'm not sure. I think someone sent out a text with a typo, and it stuck. Maybe you can tell me what it stands for?" Edward asked, laughing.

"Hmm...there are no synonyms for impatient that start with a G that I can think of. Tell me. What is the wait list? Why won't anyone here tell me?" Bella noticed that whenever she looked at him, she felt like kissing him. It was more than just a passing urge. Looking at him aroused her in a way that made her want to place her lips upon his. She had to do everything in her power to not sit on his lap, run her hands through his hair, and kiss him.
"I can't tell you now, and I can't tell you here. Later. You have a weird look on your face, by the way. You are blushing," he noted.

"I want to kiss you," Bella replied. "I feel like right now, at this moment, I want to just ignore everyone around us, especially everyone at your table who is now staring at us, and I want to kiss you. Hard and in not a subtle way. I can't believe I'm telling you this. It's like I don't have any control of my voice." Bella looked the ground in an effort to curb her lust.
Edward smirked. "Um. Wow. Thanks for your honesty, heh heh," he replied. He told her to meet him in the teacher's parking lot after school was over. She was certain she couldn't wait that long to kiss him, but when she looked back up to tell him she'd see him there, he was gone. As was everyone else at the table.

After gym class, Bella showered. She stepped out of the shower, and noticed someone had taken off with her towel. In place of the towel was a post-it. It read "Join the Wait List. Now." She looked around. No one was in the showers  She wasn't sure what to do. She could walk across the hall to the dressing room, naked, or she could call out for help. 

"Is anyone here?" she cried, somewhat tentatively. There was no response.

She covered her breasts and quickly ran across the shower room into the dressing room. When she got there, a row of her classmates was waiting for her, and they were all blocking  access to her locker. She was humiliated. She was dripping wet and naked. "I need a towel!" she begged. No one was going to help her. She realized that.

Jessica approached her. "Yes, when you join the wait list. Everyone needs to join the wait list. When you do, we'll be happy to give you your towel." Bella refused. Fortunately the door opened and the gym class instructor walked in. She calmly told everyone to get out and handed Bella a towel. "Sorry Bella," she said. "They'll all be getting a note to go to the principal's office." Bella dried off and put her clothes on. She looked at her watch. She was 15 minutes late. She hoped Edward would still be in the lot.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

The Wait List, Part I

The next few entries leading up to Halloween will be brought to you in the form of a modern fan fiction. It's a daring combination of Twilight, Twin Peaks, and the classic 1948 Shirley Jackson story "The Lottery."

And so it begins... I give you Part I of PineyLonesome's promising fiction, just in time for Halloween. It is no coincidence that those of us who endured the wait list are now in group 6. 

The Wait List
by Pineylonesome

Bella Swan looked across the lunch room for an empty two-seat table. Preferably a table in a remote corner, where no one would notice or judge her for being alone. She had convinced herself that being alone wasn't so bad. She could finish all her biology homework and listen to her music in peace. She did not have to try to make inane conversation about fantasy football with students she had nothing in common with. Nothing was worse than a dull, sports-obsessed lunch companion. No, wait, she she was wrong about that. People who spent their entire lunch break trying to convince her to join a mysterious wait list were worse. 

Bella had moved to Hope Springs during the senior year of her high school. Everyone already had friends. Cliques were already in place. No one was interested in being her friend. There were only people interested in her joining a wait list. She made the mistake of asking what the wait list was for. No one knew, or at least they would not tell her. As soon as they caught on that she was not interested in joining the mystery wait list, they left her alone.

The adjustment to Hope Springs was difficult. She didn't mind the eternal gray and dampness as much as she minded all the creepy students at her high school. There was Jessica, who was always aggressively smiling at Bella while simultaneously upset that Bella consistently earned higher grades than she did in nearly every class. And Mike, a vacuous jock who seemed to follow her around but who always disappeared the minute Bella attempted to talk to him. There was something strange about the people in this new city. There was something unusual about Hope Springs itself. She chalked it up to the town being economically depressed. The lumber mill was the only business left, and in an effort to save money, safety corners were cut. The mill had more fatal accidents than any other mill in the United States. Most of the accidents went unreported and were undocumented; otherwise the mill would be shut down and leave the town with nothing. Maybe everyone at school was so strange because most of them only had one parent?

Bella found a seat near a table of misfits. There was one table like that in every high school. All were wearing black and staring off into space. They were not speaking to each other, but seemed content with each other's company. They reminded her of an old married couple, only they were an old married quintuple. Two thin, gothy girls and three almost conventionally attractive boys. They seemed older to her, all of them. She figured their pale, mature appearance was a result of all the cigarettes they smoked. One of the boys was looking directly at her. The one with the greasy, unkempt hair and strange patchy stubble growth. She quickly looked away and back to her chapter on cell reproduction. She turned the volume on her headphones up so she could drown out any conversation they might be having about her. She had no need to hear further comment about how weird she was for not joining the cultish wait list.

She looked down at her textbook and closed her eyes. She yearned to be back home, surrounded by normal people. She missed the predictability of the sun and being surrounded by friends who liked to talk about movies, colleges and music. She fantasized about her old boyfriend Lucas. She should have had sex with him the day she left. He wanted to, but she declined, thinking sex with him would only make her miss him more. She was wrong. Her decision only made her regret not having sex with him more. Now she would have to wait until college. God, she was horny. She thought about him kissing her neck, breathing on her chest, running his hands under the waist of her jeans. He was gorgeous. He had incredibly thick, dark hair and intense brown eyes. She bit her lip at the thought of him entering her, finally. Yup, she was a fool to leave without ever knowing that pleasure.

Suddenly she felt a presence at her table. She opened her eyes. It was the greasy mop head goth dude from the other table. He looked a lot better up close. He had gorgeous green blue eyes, skin too clear and flawless to belong to a teenager, and his stubble seemed to have disappeared. Maybe it had been a shadow? She removed her headphones.

"Penny for your thoughts?" he asked her. Who said that? Penny for your thoughts? She remembered her usually drunk Grandpa said that on occasion, but who else? Maybe it was a saying now being revived by hipsters?

"I was just napping...we finished cell division last year, so it is all old news to me," Bella replied. "If you are here to ask me to join the wait list, you can forget it. Not interested unless you can tell me what it is," she continued.

"No, I am not going to ask you to join the list. God, no. Would never wish that upon to you," he responded. He knew something. And she was going to make sure he told her.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Keep Calm and Eat a Cupcake

I don't like cupcakes. Don't tell me to eat a cupcake. Don't tell me to keep calm and provide nothing to actually calm me. Nothing logical and rational, you know like dates or a timetable or a process for how the wait list admission will occur.


As a wise woman once said:
"I'd like to massively fuck up a project for 2 weeks straight,
then tell my boss to keep calm and eat a cupcake."

Monday, October 22, 2012

I don't want to talk about it.

Ashram Esme got REJECTED from fan camp via the random drawing.

I totally don't want to talk about it. Just letting you all know.

I'm still in this stage of grief.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Arm wrestling would've been WAY better than this crap.

You know where I want my next job to be at? Summit Entertainment.

No, not because they historically produced mediocre small budget films that mostly focused on female leads and flimsy thriller plotlines. I don't want to work on the production side. Puh-leeze, those hours? No thanks.

No, no. I want to work in promotions, marketing, and publicity. Why? Because you apparently don't ever have to do anything in your job. You can put out a hard deadline to give an answer by, and then just not meet your deadline. Added end of the year bonus for not issuing an apology via your website.

Arm wrestling for a spot at Fan Camp would've been SO MUCH FASTER and MORE EFFICIENT than this random drawing. I mean, surely it's based on a really simple algorithm that I can google:

This is totally not right, btw.

I'm totally right on this one.

4,000 chicks waiting longer than it takes to turn into a vampire = REALLY ANNOYING AND LAME

4,000 chicks arm wrestling = awesome

In other news, Donald Fehr is still being a jerk.  Here's my open letter to the players: You're NOT GETTING 57%! STOP THINKING YOU ARE. This is WHY you're locked out. Because you're NOT going to get that. Take the 50% and get all the people you're taking work away from back into their jobs. I mean, really, I'm being serious. This $1.62billion "loss" is such crap when you look at the thousands of lives you are affecting by your petulance. And I don't mean the people wanting to watch you play hockey again and buy your shit so you can get 50% of the proceeds. I mean the people selling tickets to your games, cleaning up the arenas before and afterward, cleaning the ice, running the office, filming and producing your games, broadcasting your games, flying your private jets, cleaning your private jets, selling your products, selling food at the arenas. I mean THOSE people. Those people who ARE NOT WORKING NOW BECAUSE OF YOU. I DO NOT HAVE PATIENCE FOR THIS.

/end shouty caps

Don't you kind of wish this all ended here:
"I wanna be a vampire and, like, lurve you always and 4eva."
"Are you sure? Cuz it's kind of boring and I generally always act like a
whiny husband with a cold."
"I'm totes sure."

We would've had SO MUCH MORE free time.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

To Camp, or Not to Camp

You know at the end of Breaking Dawn Part 1 when everyone is standing around in the kitchen waiting for Bella's heart to stop beating so they know she's completed her vampiric transition?

That is how today feels.

"Don't worry guys, I'm sure Ashram Esme gets picked in the drawing"
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I'm not wearing an emo hoodie to cloud my
rational thought and general optimism."

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

DIY Day! How To Make Your Own Tent City: A Step-by-Step Guide

Guest post today by Rachel B!!!! Rachel is who introduced me to Twilight back in 2008! Rachel can't make it to LA this November because she just had the cutest baby ever and the @BD2FanCamp FAQ didn't discuss how infants are considered as registrants.  So, she has given us an easy to follow DIY guide to making your own Tent City!!!!!  READ ON :D

Why Rachel can't come to BD2 Tent City.

 Listen, not everyone can really afford to go to L.A. for the premiere of BD2.  Whatever your reasons may be for not going to L.A.--money, time, children--you can still have fun getting ready for BD2 by creating your own tent city!  And let's face it, if you don't camp out for Twilight movies you are NOT a real fan.

How To Make Your Own Tent City:

Step 1: Set up your tent in front of your house.  This is best if you live in a big city in a row of houses but works just as well if you live anywhere.  Set up your lawn chair and cooler by your tent and put out a sign stating "Line Forms Here"

Step 2: Bring your TV outside with you and constantly play Twilight, NM, Eclipse and BD1 on repeat.  If your eyes need a break you can listen to the soundtracks on repeat, too! In order of course.

Step 3: Put out your cardboard cutout of Edward, Jacob and/or Kellan Lutz.  Wait, you don't have one of those?  You're lying.  You then make a little sign for your cutout saying "saving [your name]'s place in line" and put it out whenever you need to go inside to go to the bathroom.

Step 4:  When you go inside to go to the bathroom, put out a box of donuts and a little sign that says "free donuts for Twilight fans."  If When someone stops to take a donut, run outside screaming "nooooooo!  eating donuts is a violation of tent city codes!!!!!"

Step 5:  Tell anyone who comes to your door (friends, the mailman, UPS, girl scouts) that they cannot come into your tent city unless they have pre-registered with Summit.

Step 6: Stock your cooler with True Blood.  Try to hand it out to anyone who walks by and invite them to hang out with you in your tent!  Oh wait, wrong vampire book series.  Meh do it anyways!!!

Step 7: Oh! you know what else you can do with your cardboard cutouts?  Stick them in your tent and have the flap unzipped just enough so it looks like they are peeping out.  See if anyone notices.

Step 8: Follow me on twitter. (@rachel_b123)  you'll see why, oh, you'll see

Step 9:  Host a Tent City Sign Making Contest in your tent city.  Invite all your friends and hang the best signs up on your tent.

Step 10: Go watch Breaking Dawn 2 in your own city.  Without all the smelly people who have actually been camping out for a week.  Enjoy the usage of your own bathroom.  Buy popcorn AND soda at the movie because you saved hundreds on dollars not buying plane tickets out to L.A.!  Heck, buy yourself a new BD2 tshirt too!


Rachel is the brilliant mind behind the blog "You Just Can't Google Everything."  She is a terrific Twilight fan, and a lover of Vampire Diaries, True Blood and most recently, Game of Thrones.  She is Team Emmett.  She also has other interests besides sparkly vampires and sexy werewolves, but those aren't really relevant to this post.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

What so proudly we hailed at Twilight's last gleaming?

Calling all American Readers and Tent City Fan Camp Shit Show 2012 Goers!!!!

Do NOT forget that in the length of a packet of birth control pills, a non-leap year February, a mere 28 days IT IS ELECTION DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know you will be traveling around that time (I fly out on the Wednesday), so make sure you either get an absentee ballot ahead of time and send that bad boy in or that you are all registered and set to go with proper ID come election day.

Hooray for democracy and freedom to elect our government!  Exercise your right to vote, then come get drunk on Twilight Stupor for a week! :)


"How long have you been 17?"
"So, you've been around since Teddy and Taft, but you've never been allowed to vote?"
"Well, I would've voted for Hughes in 1916 if was old enough, not for Wilson."
"I couldn't even vote then, being a woman."
"But you can vote next year, when you're 18."
"My aging is not something to celebrate."
"Perhaps not, but suffrage laws and open elections are! Don't make me dazzle you to the polls."