"I love a good lineup!" exclaimed Zoe.

We should've entitled Ashram Esme just simply Murphy's Law. Because each and every time something could go wrong, it did. Whatever couldn't possibly be any worse, suddenly was worse. And let's not even bring up the airport saga we went through getting to LAX.  JFK airport's dead, Angela! Don't bring it up again.

What it's like NOT to meet Stephenie Meyer after waiting 4 hours in the sun to do so.

Saturday morning there was a SURPRISE! slotted for 10:00am in our itinerary, so I dressed cute and brought stuff to have signed. After realizing it was not the mass celebrity meet and greet, we quickly surmised that it was Stephenie Meyer. That morning was the morning we learned the hard way that Summit and CHE (Chad Hudson Events, who put on the whole thing) have a serious case of mismanagement, miscommunication, and Schadenfreude. 

This horrible blonde woman was calling number groups (based on your wristband) so it wasn't a bum rush or whatever. It was a random drawing, only they didn't tell us that not all of us were going to meet Stephenie. They didn't tell us anything except to MOVE BACK! in really surly tones.

I'll let PineyLonesome explain... she really paints the setting most accurately:

First, she decided to call out numbers without using any sort of megaphone or microphone or visual aid. None of us could hear her due to the ambient crowd noise. It would have been so easy to write the numbers down on a poster and have someone hold up the poster. It would have been even easier to make use of the massive JumboTron screen behind her. Or, she could get a megaphone. At some point, one of her staff handed her a megaphone (halfway into the signing) and she started calling out numbers, but the megaphone was defective. It made it even worse. Some people started to tweet out the numbers, which was also helpful (If you had the Wifi password, and Wifi password was only given out via rumor and word of mouth instead of being posted anywhere, you know, ACCESSIBLE).

But even worse than her complete lack of competence was her condescending attitude. She told us that if anyone in line failed to obey the rules, we'd all lose our privilege. Another girl there, who is a preschool teacher, told me that she occasionally uses those tactics on the 3 year olds (but she didn't like to do that since it punishes the really good kids at the expense of the really bad kids).

Then the blonde woman kept making us repeat after her "1 photo, 1 autograph, don't bring anything else to sign." Then, because she thought it was funny, she'd occasionally yell out (with clarity somehow) stupid questions like "HOW MANY PHOTOS?" and "HOW MANY AUTOGRAPHS" and "WHAT SHOULD YOU BRING TO SIGN." People in the audience responded. Except LTT people and a few others, because we all are adults and can fucking follow instructions and don't need someone to quiz us nonstop about said instructions.

After all the numbers were called, which no one said "That's it, guys! Sorry!", we were left standing around confused, trying to see if that was the end of the signing or if SM was just taking a lunch break. The CHE team had left to go work on the concert set up, which was quickly approaching in the itinerary slot and right in the same area we were all standing. It was 700 people completely baffled and rightfully pissed off, stood around going, "WTF IS GOING ON! Are we NOT meeting Stephenie?"

Finally the blonde woman said to us, "I'm going to check with Stephenie and see if she's willing to stay longer to meet more people. Don't be upset...yet."

YET?

Goodbye.

So, we stood for about 10 minutes next to the other slighted Twihards (including Nutty Madame, mind you) and then decided, "Screw this, let's get lunch." and we did. Skipping the Twilight Concert in which basically every famous person ever associated with Twilight attended (no, not actually, just five).  (eye roll)  Whatever.

---

By Sunday, the day we assumed we'd meet Guri (who wasn't even in LA, btw), I knew that I had to dress down and not bring anything to sign. Expect nothing. NOTHING. Because as soon as you expect more than a stale yet somehow slightly moist blueberry muffin and an epic shaft of a celebrity meet-and-greet, they will suddenly run out of  bagels and Peter Facinelli will skip ONLY your section and then wave to everyone like he did sign your Return of the Volturi poster.

Clearly Peter is waving directly at Ashram Esme.

Luckily, my plan worked. PFach turned out looking deliciously hot, and stood close enough for me to make out with him. I did not make out with him, don't worry. If I had, you wouldn't be getting these after-the-fact-updates from me, since I would've been kicked out of Fan Camp stat.

In addition to people giving us free stuff, we also got to meet-and-greet (use of the term "meet" loosely here) Jackson, Maggie Grace (ADORE!), Mia Maestro, MyAnna Buring (Downton Abbey ftw), BooBoo Radley, and some kid named Brandon who played a wolf in BD2.

*Drool* He was so hot in person. Cannot express how hot.

I'm going to pretend we are in a park together in this photo,
and he is pouring me a glass of wine while I'm lying back,
propped up on my elbows, looking up at him. (nods)

MyAnna sees you... (Seriously no clue what's happening here,
but I own that exact shade of lipstick)

Jackson signing Piney's Twilight novel and looking dapper.

Brandon guy signing the Ashram Esme banner.
StoneBumChum, the artist, featured on right :)

Mia looking cute

Still looking cute

I loved you on LOST, Maggie!

Go Team Seth!

After all of that nonsense, we left to go to the beach. Well, that was the plan at least for me, Piney, and Ilene. We'd head to the hotel, drop some stuff off, then go to Venice Beach. The weather was gorgeous, nothing was standing in our way... 

Except that when we got down to the main camp area (Group Sex got shafted to the parking garage, did we mention that?  Remember when we mentioned that before like it was a joke and not going to happen? Well, it did happen. Fur realz. Murphy showed up and laid down his law), there were all these OTHER celebrities doing meet and greet with the people in the main camp. And the organization of it was so ridiculous that the celebrities were all on the outside and the fan camp people on the inside, but then all the Group Sex people walking by were...on the outside! Which enabled some entertaining things to occur...

Do you recall when I was all, "Oh, I might meet Charlie Bewley!"?  

I did.

He's so much taller than I expected!

In an email to Spirit Camp I expanded on the story... 

The most memorable thing at Fan Camp (besides all the glorious times with my Ashram Esme girls) was meeting Charlie Bewley and Traci and KBV seeing me on the "wrong" side of the guardrail (Charlie's side). On our walk back to regular Tent City (Groups 1-5's tents), we saw Erik Odom in a henley that was nearly the same color as Tom Hiddleston's eyes, and Piney got a photo of us right after some girl serenaded him with her mandolin playing (NOT LYING).

Erik Odom photo bomb!!!
This was taken while he was recording the serenade.
Yes, I am laughing at the absurdity.

Then was looking for Guri. And I mean LOOKING. I scoured the regular Tent City like an eagle looking for a rabbit. No Guri. There was Noel, but no Guri. Where was he? I started tweeting it out: Guri WHERE ARE YOU? And some girl in Scotland gave me false hope in her reply. By then Piney was long gone, back to the hotel to get ready for our trip to the beach. But I wanted Guri. It was serious. That was when I looked up and saw Charlie Bewley basically 10 ft in front of me, with no barrier in the way, no anything. Just Charlie, his handler, and a small throng of girls on the other side of the barrier. I approached him and somehow managed to speak in a normal sounding voice, "Are you Charlie?" at which point he turned back, looked me in the eye, smiled, and said, "Yes."  I asked for a photo, the whole thing was surreal. I was so unprepared. I had nothing to sign, nothing but my camera phone [and boobs?]. I debated telling him that Jules says hi. But I didn't want to be that creepy girl who is friends with his friend. So, I just thanked him and his handler and walked away in anonymity trying to escape the Fan Camp barriers (there was no exit that way). By the time I'd rounded back to find another way out, more girls had discovered Charlie's precarious lack of barrier placement and there was a line on both sides (one sympathized with the behind-the-barrier girls who got the shaft).  Then I tweeted the photo of me and Charlie to Jules, who thought it was hilarious and asked if I'd told him to put his cap on correctly. In the words of Mr. Hiddleston, "Ehehehehe."

Erik is an illuminated manuscript.

Oh, and in case you were wondering... we definitely made it to the beach!

and the Venice Canals...

;)

Return of the Volturi

Here is the poster I made for Breaking Dawn 2

We did this (past tense of Let's do this)

Yeah, we went, we waited, we waited some more, we wandered, we waited some more, we walked a lot, we drank a lot, we waited more.... and then it happened. Black carpet. Premiere film. Me thinking Rob's eyes were pretty (I don't know even know myself anymore). All of us deciding we liked Kristen as much as KStewBoy does because her dress did NOT look like THAT in real life...it look phenomenally gorgeous and super tasteful. We saw all 3 of our men we wanted to see (Billy Burke, Michael Sheen, and Daniel Cudmore) and StoneBumChum got a compliment for her mustache from SheenPeen. Yes, that's right, Sheen looked her in the eye and told her he liked her mustache.

Sheen reading our Aro sign... right before he
laughed and complimented StoneBumChum

The film is amazing. Go see it!!! Go!!!!!!

More to come, but I'll leave you with my favorite Rob photo, because it's everyone's iphone background now...

See You at the Gate!

You better hold on tight, spider monkeys, because we're wheels and wings up TODAY!

I just wanna try one thing...

Wolf Pack Call!

We are so close to go time, people.

Let's Do This!

New Moon Style Wolf Pack Call!

From the East!

From the North!

From across the Pond!

Let's Do This!

The Wait List, Part V

Happy Halloween, everyone! The Wait List concludes today with a stunning finale and tantalizing post script. It will leave you wanting much more from the lovely PineyLonesome...

"Shit, Edward, shit. That's my Dad. Shit, shit, shit." Bella quickly slid off of Edward's lap.

 

Edward's erection instantly softened. Well, as soft as a vampire erection was able to get, which by human standards would have been considered satisfyingly hard. He straightened out his pants, then rolled down the window.

 

"Officer Swan, I am so sorry. Bella missed her bus and I was giving her a ride home. Bella noticed something in my eye and she was was helping me extract it," Edward calmly stated.

 

Charlie's eyes seemed red with anger. Actually, they just seemed red. Bright red. Edward immediately knew that Charlie had been turned. But by whom? How? When? Why? His cell phone had been buzzing while Bella had been on his lap, but he'd turned it off, not wanting to be distracted. Perhaps he should have checked it.

 

"Yes, I'm sure Bella was just giving you an eye wash...with her tongue. You are an awful liar, by the way. Bella, come with me. We are going home," Charlie announced.

 

Edward knew that Charlie was a newborn and needed blood immediately. Bella might not be safe with him. He grabbed Charlie by his arm and ran into the woods with him to find an animal to feed on. When he got to the woods, Rosalie was already there, with a freshly killed deer.

 

"Sorry Edward. Next time, check your fucking texts," Rosalie said as she offered the deer to Charlie. Charlie wasted no time. He sucked the deer dry, his face dripping with fresh warm blood. Rosalie hoped his new vampire blood in his system would help with his erectile dysfunction problems. She noted that Charlie looked incredibly hot as he was feeding. Hotter than Emmett, who often lapped blood like a cat at the carcass of his deer. She always found his lapping to be a complete turn-off. What kind of vampire laps instead of sucks?

 

After Charlie was sated with 24 ounces of deer blood, Edward and Rosalie explained the situation. How Bella was being bullied and would continued to be threatened until she signed the wait list form. They then explained the wait list. Charlie had always thought the wait list was just some local urban legend, but he'd also wondered why so many people in town had simply disappeared. He had been more inclined to suspect vampires than the mill boiler.

 

"Sorry, Charlie," Rosalie said. Charlie looked at her and instead of yelling, he thanked her.

 

"Honestly, immortality comes in handy when you are a cop. Especially the only cop in town. So thank you. I've always wanted to be immortal. But what about Bella? How will she handle this information?" Charlie asked.

 

"We'll take care of Bella. You'll be fine. She'll be fine. We'll all be fine, now," said Edward.

 

The End.

Post Script

 

Charlie volunteered to take all boiler room shifts at the mill, in order to save other citizens from being led to their fiery deaths. He trained Jasper and Emmett to be deputy sheriffs. Everyone was happy with their new careers.

 

Rosalie fell in love with Charlie for his humanitarian acts and valor. She dumped Emmett, who was relieved because he never actually loved her.

 

Bella fully kissed Edward later on that evening. Edward had convinced Charlie to go out for more hunts with Rosalie so he could be alone with Bella. He instructed Bella to take a shower and get warmed up, then he would have a surprise for her. When Bella exited the shower, she noticed her towel was missing. In its place was Edward with a small face cloth. He dried her off, part by part. As he dried, he kissed her, part by part. When he reached her lips, he skipped the drying and kissed her, hard, like she had hoped to be kissed by him. His restraint training failed and he broke the bathroom sink and shower tiles trying to hold back the force of his erection. Though the bathroom was destroyed, Bella was unharmed save for a few pink slap marks on her naked ass.

The Wait List, Part II

Read the next installment of pineylonesome's "The Wait List"...

"I'm Bella, by they way," Bella said.

"I know. You've been the talk of the school. The one person here who hasn't joined the wait list. They have been calling you Weirdo-G. I'm Edward, by the way," he said as he extended his hand to shake hers. 

Bella shook his hand. It was cool but not clammy, and had a very firm grip. For a gothy dude, he was quite friendly and personable. "Why do they call me Weirdo-G? What does the G stand for?" she asked.

"I'm not sure. I think someone sent out a text with a typo, and it stuck. Maybe you can tell me what it stands for?" Edward asked, laughing.

"Hmm...there are no synonyms for impatient that start with a G that I can think of. Tell me. What is the wait list? Why won't anyone here tell me?" Bella noticed that whenever she looked at him, she felt like kissing him. It was more than just a passing urge. Looking at him aroused her in a way that made her want to place her lips upon his. She had to do everything in her power to not sit on his lap, run her hands through his hair, and kiss him.

"I can't tell you now, and I can't tell you here. Later. You have a weird look on your face, by the way. You are blushing," he noted.

"I want to kiss you," Bella replied. "I feel like right now, at this moment, I want to just ignore everyone around us, especially everyone at your table who is now staring at us, and I want to kiss you. Hard and in not a subtle way. I can't believe I'm telling you this. It's like I don't have any control of my voice." Bella looked the ground in an effort to curb her lust.

Edward smirked. "Um. Wow. Thanks for your honesty, heh heh," he replied. He told her to meet him in the teacher's parking lot after school was over. She was certain she couldn't wait that long to kiss him, but when she looked back up to tell him she'd see him there, he was gone. As was everyone else at the table.

After gym class, Bella showered. She stepped out of the shower, and noticed someone had taken off with her towel. In place of the towel was a post-it. It read "Join the Wait List. Now." She looked around. No one was in the showers  She wasn't sure what to do. She could walk across the hall to the dressing room, naked, or she could call out for help. 

"Is anyone here?" she cried, somewhat tentatively. There was no response.

She covered her breasts and quickly ran across the shower room into the dressing room. When she got there, a row of her classmates was waiting for her, and they were all blocking  access to her locker. She was humiliated. She was dripping wet and naked. "I need a towel!" she begged. No one was going to help her. She realized that.

Jessica approached her. "Yes, when you join the wait list. Everyone needs to join the wait list. When you do, we'll be happy to give you your towel." Bella refused. Fortunately the door opened and the gym class instructor walked in. She calmly told everyone to get out and handed Bella a towel. "Sorry Bella," she said. "They'll all be getting a note to go to the principal's office." Bella dried off and put her clothes on. She looked at her watch. She was 15 minutes late. She hoped Edward would still be in the lot.

DIY Day! How To Make Your Own Tent City: A Step-by-Step Guide

Guest post today by Rachel B!!!! Rachel is who introduced me to Twilight back in 2008! Rachel can't make it to LA this November because she just had the cutest baby ever and the @BD2FanCamp FAQ didn't discuss how infants are considered as registrants.  So, she has given us an easy to follow DIY guide to making your own Tent City!!!!!  READ ON :D

Why Rachel can't come to BD2 Tent City.

 Listen, not everyone can really afford to go to L.A. for the premiere of BD2.  Whatever your reasons may be for not going to L.A.--money, time, children--you can still have fun getting ready for BD2 by creating your own tent city!  And let's face it, if you don't camp out for Twilight movies you are NOT a real fan.

How To Make Your Own Tent City:

Step 1: Set up your tent in front of your house.  This is best if you live in a big city in a row of houses but works just as well if you live anywhere.  Set up your lawn chair and cooler by your tent and put out a sign stating "Line Forms Here"

Step 2: Bring your TV outside with you and constantly play Twilight, NM, Eclipse and BD1 on repeat.  If your eyes need a break you can listen to the soundtracks on repeat, too! In order of course.

Step 3: Put out your cardboard cutout of Edward, Jacob and/or Kellan Lutz.  Wait, you don't have one of those?  You're lying.  You then make a little sign for your cutout saying "saving [your name]'s place in line" and put it out whenever you need to go inside to go to the bathroom.

Step 4:  When you go inside to go to the bathroom, put out a box of donuts and a little sign that says "free donuts for Twilight fans."  If When someone stops to take a donut, run outside screaming "nooooooo!  eating donuts is a violation of tent city codes!!!!!"

Step 5:  Tell anyone who comes to your door (friends, the mailman, UPS, girl scouts) that they cannot come into your tent city unless they have pre-registered with Summit.

Step 6: Stock your cooler with True Blood.  Try to hand it out to anyone who walks by and invite them to hang out with you in your tent!  Oh wait, wrong vampire book series.  Meh do it anyways!!!

Step 7: Oh! you know what else you can do with your cardboard cutouts?  Stick them in your tent and have the flap unzipped just enough so it looks like they are peeping out.  See if anyone notices.

Step 8: Follow me on twitter. (@rachel_b123)  you'll see why, oh, you'll see

Step 9:  Host a Tent City Sign Making Contest in your tent city.  Invite all your friends and hang the best signs up on your tent.

Step 10: Go watch Breaking Dawn 2 in your own city.  Without all the smelly people who have actually been camping out for a week.  Enjoy the usage of your own bathroom.  Buy popcorn AND soda at the movie because you saved hundreds on dollars not buying plane tickets out to L.A.!  Heck, buy yourself a new BD2 tshirt too!

Fin.

Rachel is the brilliant mind behind the blog "You Just Can't Google Everything."  She is a terrific Twilight fan, and a lover of Vampire Diaries, True Blood and most recently, Game of Thrones.  She is Team Emmett.  She also has other interests besides sparkly vampires and sexy werewolves, but those aren't really relevant to this post.

The Definitive Guide to Tent City: Part B!!!

PineyLonesome is BACK for Part B of her multiple part installment of a numbered and sub-numbered outlined list of a definitive guide to Tent City. LIKE IT UP, YO!

5. You are probably wondering how exactly you will replicate your current work-out routine at Tent City. It is important to stay in shape during this stressful event. Elevated cortisol levels will cause you to break out, store fat in your stomach area, and basically look like hell just in time for the premiere.

a. Regular Routine: Walking to and from bus stop.

Tent City Alternate Routine: Run the perimeter of Tent City. Alternatively, walk from your hotel room to your tent.

b. Regular Routine: Freezer ice tray squat(s) (plural if you sometimes have 2 drinks on weekends)
Tent City Alternate Routine: Anytime security gives you grief for drinking, squat down in front of him (or her) as if you were going to offer a blow job. Have a friend take a compromising photo and threaten to post it to this blog.

c. Regular Routine: Pretending your husband is <Insert name of Twi cast member or Twi director of second installment here> during sex.
Tent City Alternate Routine: Pretend the guy you met at Lucky Strike who looks sort of like Guri W. (if you don't look at him directly)  is <Insert name of Twi cast member or Twi director of second installment here> during sex.

Like this, but sexy.

6. You are probably wondering what to do for fun at Tent City since you aren't allowed to dump food or drink on fellow campers, consume jello shots, or shoot firearms. We recommend re-enacting Bob scenes from Twin Peaks. Simply dress up in creepy denim shirts and gray wigs and show up outside other people's tents in the middle of the night. Peer in with evil intent. When they scream, tell them to fire walk with you. Then turn into an owl and fly away, leaving only the scent of smoke and terror.

7. If you aren't familiar with Twin Peaks, you can play "find an image of Peter Lambert on Google that isn't that one image of him in Editing Masterclass." There is at least one other image out there. First one to find it wins. Last one has to actually watch his Editing Masterclass video the entire way through. 

Not this pic. This is the Editing Masterclass pic. Good luck.

THE OWLS BEARS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM!!!!!!!!

I don't know who this is, but she's wearing an LTT shirt,
so I know she is freaking awesome.

They're NOT bears. They're marsupials.

<3

Part C to follow.