"I love a good lineup!" exclaimed Zoe.

We should've entitled Ashram Esme just simply Murphy's Law. Because each and every time something could go wrong, it did. Whatever couldn't possibly be any worse, suddenly was worse. And let's not even bring up the airport saga we went through getting to LAX.  JFK airport's dead, Angela! Don't bring it up again.

What it's like NOT to meet Stephenie Meyer after waiting 4 hours in the sun to do so.

Saturday morning there was a SURPRISE! slotted for 10:00am in our itinerary, so I dressed cute and brought stuff to have signed. After realizing it was not the mass celebrity meet and greet, we quickly surmised that it was Stephenie Meyer. That morning was the morning we learned the hard way that Summit and CHE (Chad Hudson Events, who put on the whole thing) have a serious case of mismanagement, miscommunication, and Schadenfreude. 

This horrible blonde woman was calling number groups (based on your wristband) so it wasn't a bum rush or whatever. It was a random drawing, only they didn't tell us that not all of us were going to meet Stephenie. They didn't tell us anything except to MOVE BACK! in really surly tones.

I'll let PineyLonesome explain... she really paints the setting most accurately:

First, she decided to call out numbers without using any sort of megaphone or microphone or visual aid. None of us could hear her due to the ambient crowd noise. It would have been so easy to write the numbers down on a poster and have someone hold up the poster. It would have been even easier to make use of the massive JumboTron screen behind her. Or, she could get a megaphone. At some point, one of her staff handed her a megaphone (halfway into the signing) and she started calling out numbers, but the megaphone was defective. It made it even worse. Some people started to tweet out the numbers, which was also helpful (If you had the Wifi password, and Wifi password was only given out via rumor and word of mouth instead of being posted anywhere, you know, ACCESSIBLE).

But even worse than her complete lack of competence was her condescending attitude. She told us that if anyone in line failed to obey the rules, we'd all lose our privilege. Another girl there, who is a preschool teacher, told me that she occasionally uses those tactics on the 3 year olds (but she didn't like to do that since it punishes the really good kids at the expense of the really bad kids).

Then the blonde woman kept making us repeat after her "1 photo, 1 autograph, don't bring anything else to sign." Then, because she thought it was funny, she'd occasionally yell out (with clarity somehow) stupid questions like "HOW MANY PHOTOS?" and "HOW MANY AUTOGRAPHS" and "WHAT SHOULD YOU BRING TO SIGN." People in the audience responded. Except LTT people and a few others, because we all are adults and can fucking follow instructions and don't need someone to quiz us nonstop about said instructions.

After all the numbers were called, which no one said "That's it, guys! Sorry!", we were left standing around confused, trying to see if that was the end of the signing or if SM was just taking a lunch break. The CHE team had left to go work on the concert set up, which was quickly approaching in the itinerary slot and right in the same area we were all standing. It was 700 people completely baffled and rightfully pissed off, stood around going, "WTF IS GOING ON! Are we NOT meeting Stephenie?"

Finally the blonde woman said to us, "I'm going to check with Stephenie and see if she's willing to stay longer to meet more people. Don't be upset...yet."

YET?

Goodbye.

So, we stood for about 10 minutes next to the other slighted Twihards (including Nutty Madame, mind you) and then decided, "Screw this, let's get lunch." and we did. Skipping the Twilight Concert in which basically every famous person ever associated with Twilight attended (no, not actually, just five).  (eye roll)  Whatever.

---

By Sunday, the day we assumed we'd meet Guri (who wasn't even in LA, btw), I knew that I had to dress down and not bring anything to sign. Expect nothing. NOTHING. Because as soon as you expect more than a stale yet somehow slightly moist blueberry muffin and an epic shaft of a celebrity meet-and-greet, they will suddenly run out of  bagels and Peter Facinelli will skip ONLY your section and then wave to everyone like he did sign your Return of the Volturi poster.

Clearly Peter is waving directly at Ashram Esme.

Luckily, my plan worked. PFach turned out looking deliciously hot, and stood close enough for me to make out with him. I did not make out with him, don't worry. If I had, you wouldn't be getting these after-the-fact-updates from me, since I would've been kicked out of Fan Camp stat.

In addition to people giving us free stuff, we also got to meet-and-greet (use of the term "meet" loosely here) Jackson, Maggie Grace (ADORE!), Mia Maestro, MyAnna Buring (Downton Abbey ftw), BooBoo Radley, and some kid named Brandon who played a wolf in BD2.

*Drool* He was so hot in person. Cannot express how hot.

I'm going to pretend we are in a park together in this photo,
and he is pouring me a glass of wine while I'm lying back,
propped up on my elbows, looking up at him. (nods)

MyAnna sees you... (Seriously no clue what's happening here,
but I own that exact shade of lipstick)

Jackson signing Piney's Twilight novel and looking dapper.

Brandon guy signing the Ashram Esme banner.
StoneBumChum, the artist, featured on right :)

Mia looking cute

Still looking cute

I loved you on LOST, Maggie!

Go Team Seth!

After all of that nonsense, we left to go to the beach. Well, that was the plan at least for me, Piney, and Ilene. We'd head to the hotel, drop some stuff off, then go to Venice Beach. The weather was gorgeous, nothing was standing in our way... 

Except that when we got down to the main camp area (Group Sex got shafted to the parking garage, did we mention that?  Remember when we mentioned that before like it was a joke and not going to happen? Well, it did happen. Fur realz. Murphy showed up and laid down his law), there were all these OTHER celebrities doing meet and greet with the people in the main camp. And the organization of it was so ridiculous that the celebrities were all on the outside and the fan camp people on the inside, but then all the Group Sex people walking by were...on the outside! Which enabled some entertaining things to occur...

Do you recall when I was all, "Oh, I might meet Charlie Bewley!"?  

I did.

He's so much taller than I expected!

In an email to Spirit Camp I expanded on the story... 

The most memorable thing at Fan Camp (besides all the glorious times with my Ashram Esme girls) was meeting Charlie Bewley and Traci and KBV seeing me on the "wrong" side of the guardrail (Charlie's side). On our walk back to regular Tent City (Groups 1-5's tents), we saw Erik Odom in a henley that was nearly the same color as Tom Hiddleston's eyes, and Piney got a photo of us right after some girl serenaded him with her mandolin playing (NOT LYING).

Erik Odom photo bomb!!!
This was taken while he was recording the serenade.
Yes, I am laughing at the absurdity.

Then was looking for Guri. And I mean LOOKING. I scoured the regular Tent City like an eagle looking for a rabbit. No Guri. There was Noel, but no Guri. Where was he? I started tweeting it out: Guri WHERE ARE YOU? And some girl in Scotland gave me false hope in her reply. By then Piney was long gone, back to the hotel to get ready for our trip to the beach. But I wanted Guri. It was serious. That was when I looked up and saw Charlie Bewley basically 10 ft in front of me, with no barrier in the way, no anything. Just Charlie, his handler, and a small throng of girls on the other side of the barrier. I approached him and somehow managed to speak in a normal sounding voice, "Are you Charlie?" at which point he turned back, looked me in the eye, smiled, and said, "Yes."  I asked for a photo, the whole thing was surreal. I was so unprepared. I had nothing to sign, nothing but my camera phone [and boobs?]. I debated telling him that Jules says hi. But I didn't want to be that creepy girl who is friends with his friend. So, I just thanked him and his handler and walked away in anonymity trying to escape the Fan Camp barriers (there was no exit that way). By the time I'd rounded back to find another way out, more girls had discovered Charlie's precarious lack of barrier placement and there was a line on both sides (one sympathized with the behind-the-barrier girls who got the shaft).  Then I tweeted the photo of me and Charlie to Jules, who thought it was hilarious and asked if I'd told him to put his cap on correctly. In the words of Mr. Hiddleston, "Ehehehehe."

Erik is an illuminated manuscript.

Oh, and in case you were wondering... we definitely made it to the beach!

and the Venice Canals...

;)

See You at the Gate!

You better hold on tight, spider monkeys, because we're wheels and wings up TODAY!

I just wanna try one thing...

Wolf Pack Call!

We are so close to go time, people.

Let's Do This!

New Moon Style Wolf Pack Call!

From the East!

From the North!

From across the Pond!

Let's Do This!

I'm looking forward to...

So, you know how something like a major election, a Super Storm (not from X-Men), or 3 weeks worth of work shoved into 1 week during which a major storm hits and you're not sure if you'll make it out okay gets you all distracted from the really obvious big thing that's coming up in a week?

That happened to me. Luckily I'd already loaded all that WeirdoG fanfic of Nat's.

Anyway.

Wednesday night, while attempting to get to sleep (totally in vain, btw), I let my mind wander to a place I'd not been since 2010... CHARLIE BEWLEY!  It was a weird sensation. He has pretty eyes and such, and he's a great flirt. I love a great flirt!  But he sort of got lost on my radar at some point... I think it was when his twitter feed became so excessively boring and running related that I unfollowed him. I won't apologize for that, not even now.  Regardless, I was thinking about how exciting it will be to FINALLY meet Guri Weinberg, and my mind's enactment of that event (which is yet to occur) led me to a full-on brain fantasy with Charlie Bewley.

It was fun. Flirty, relaxing. He signed my poster and I said a clever thing and it was all... normal. Fun. Then I quoted Doctor Who's "Blink" line: You're missing the BIG question. And Charlie said, "What's the BIG question?" the way Carey Mulligan does in the actual episode (I'd just watched "Blink" that night as my scary Halloween treat) and just as Michael Obiora responds, I said: Will you have a drink with me?  Of course, this is my brain and my fantasy, so clearly Charlie said yes. We got beers at a real brewery a friend of my friend owns and then he half-jokingly offered to fly me to Whistler for snowboarding. I declined. He kissed me. I put my wedding ring in my pocket.

This has always been my favorite photo of Bewley... and that silly Starbucks one in Vancouver (saved to my hard drive).

It was a good, simple, mostly clean fantasy.

But it left me thinking, "Oh my gosh! I completely forgot he was even IN these films and will actually BE at this event."  Like, I might MEET Charlie Bewley, who I was totally into 2 years ago, in like 5 days!  What kind of insanity is that?

Yeah, I'm pretty excited, guys.
 

Don't disappoint, Bewley! I want your ridiculous. SO MUCH.

ps-Michael Obiora is pretty hot, in case you were wondering.
And he has an ENTIRE segment of his website dedicated
to shirtless photos of himself. Which I find
endearing and hilariously off-putting all at once.

 ALSO, Charlie finally has an age listed on wikipedia. 31... hm.... Okay, Bewley. Okay.

See you people on Wednesday.

Hurricane Sandy, Meet Shitshow2012

So.... I survived the hurricane (yay!) and my apartment did too (yay!) and my power grid and water source did too (yay yay!)  Which meant that I was all set to keep on working FT at my home office job that sometimes requires more than FT amounts of work...  and thus no time for this blog because I have to make all my deadlines happen before I fly to LA.

AS YOU KNOW, we got into Group Sex since we were on The Wait List Saga, Part I.  It's all very exciting. It's like... they have these check-in times, and you feel like, "What are cmaping out for, if it's so organized?"  BUT for Group Sex, our check-in time slot is basically 5 hours long. So it's GUARANTEED I will be waiting AT LEAST 5 hours in line for this premiere.  Which is, in a distant and uncomfortable way, rather exciting!!!

So, that's all I have time for now. I hope you enjoyed the Fan Fiction by Pineylonesome as much as I did.  Also, can I just say that I am not even feeling embarrassed when I pause and rewind my DVRed commercials if the Breaking Dawn preview comes on.  HECK YES!

Well chuffed for this, people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BRING IT ON, LA!

This airport flooding was SO three days ago!!!!!! LET'S DO THIS!!!!

Keep Calm and Eat a Cupcake

I don't like cupcakes. Don't tell me to eat a cupcake. Don't tell me to keep calm and provide nothing to actually calm me. Nothing logical and rational, you know like dates or a timetable or a process for how the wait list admission will occur.

WE JUST WANT A PROCESS!!!!!!!!!

As a wise woman once said:
"I'd like to massively fuck up a project for 2 weeks straight,
then tell my boss to keep calm and eat a cupcake."

I don't want to talk about it.

Ashram Esme got REJECTED from fan camp via the random drawing.

I totally don't want to talk about it. Just letting you all know.

I'm still in this stage of grief.

Arm wrestling would've been WAY better than this crap.

You know where I want my next job to be at? Summit Entertainment.

No, not because they historically produced mediocre small budget films that mostly focused on female leads and flimsy thriller plotlines. I don't want to work on the production side. Puh-leeze, those hours? No thanks.

No, no. I want to work in promotions, marketing, and publicity. Why? Because you apparently don't ever have to do anything in your job. You can put out a hard deadline to give an answer by, and then just not meet your deadline. Added end of the year bonus for not issuing an apology via your website.

Arm wrestling for a spot at Fan Camp would've been SO MUCH FASTER and MORE EFFICIENT than this random drawing. I mean, surely it's based on a really simple algorithm that I can google:

This is totally not right, btw.

I'm totally right on this one.

4,000 chicks waiting longer than it takes to turn into a vampire = REALLY ANNOYING AND LAME

4,000 chicks arm wrestling = awesome

In other news, Donald Fehr is still being a jerk.  Here's my open letter to the players: You're NOT GETTING 57%! STOP THINKING YOU ARE. This is WHY you're locked out. Because you're NOT going to get that. Take the 50% and get all the people you're taking work away from back into their jobs. I mean, really, I'm being serious. This $1.62billion "loss" is such crap when you look at the thousands of lives you are affecting by your petulance. And I don't mean the people wanting to watch you play hockey again and buy your shit so you can get 50% of the proceeds. I mean the people selling tickets to your games, cleaning up the arenas before and afterward, cleaning the ice, running the office, filming and producing your games, broadcasting your games, flying your private jets, cleaning your private jets, selling your products, selling food at the arenas. I mean THOSE people. Those people who ARE NOT WORKING NOW BECAUSE OF YOU. I DO NOT HAVE PATIENCE FOR THIS.

/end shouty caps

Don't you kind of wish this all ended here:

"I wanna be a vampire and, like, lurve you always and 4eva."
"Are you sure? Cuz it's kind of boring and I generally always act like a
whiny husband with a cold."
"I'm totes sure."
"LET'S DO THIS THEN!"

We would've had SO MUCH MORE free time.

To Camp, or Not to Camp

You know at the end of Breaking Dawn Part 1 when everyone is standing around in the kitchen waiting for Bella's heart to stop beating so they know she's completed her vampiric transition?

That is how today feels.

"Don't worry guys, I'm sure Ashram Esme gets picked in the drawing"
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I'm not wearing an emo hoodie to cloud my
rational thought and general optimism."

The Definitive Guide to Tent City: Part B!!!

PineyLonesome is BACK for Part B of her multiple part installment of a numbered and sub-numbered outlined list of a definitive guide to Tent City. LIKE IT UP, YO!

5. You are probably wondering how exactly you will replicate your current work-out routine at Tent City. It is important to stay in shape during this stressful event. Elevated cortisol levels will cause you to break out, store fat in your stomach area, and basically look like hell just in time for the premiere.

a. Regular Routine: Walking to and from bus stop.

Tent City Alternate Routine: Run the perimeter of Tent City. Alternatively, walk from your hotel room to your tent.

b. Regular Routine: Freezer ice tray squat(s) (plural if you sometimes have 2 drinks on weekends)
Tent City Alternate Routine: Anytime security gives you grief for drinking, squat down in front of him (or her) as if you were going to offer a blow job. Have a friend take a compromising photo and threaten to post it to this blog.

c. Regular Routine: Pretending your husband is <Insert name of Twi cast member or Twi director of second installment here> during sex.
Tent City Alternate Routine: Pretend the guy you met at Lucky Strike who looks sort of like Guri W. (if you don't look at him directly)  is <Insert name of Twi cast member or Twi director of second installment here> during sex.

Like this, but sexy.

6. You are probably wondering what to do for fun at Tent City since you aren't allowed to dump food or drink on fellow campers, consume jello shots, or shoot firearms. We recommend re-enacting Bob scenes from Twin Peaks. Simply dress up in creepy denim shirts and gray wigs and show up outside other people's tents in the middle of the night. Peer in with evil intent. When they scream, tell them to fire walk with you. Then turn into an owl and fly away, leaving only the scent of smoke and terror.

7. If you aren't familiar with Twin Peaks, you can play "find an image of Peter Lambert on Google that isn't that one image of him in Editing Masterclass." There is at least one other image out there. First one to find it wins. Last one has to actually watch his Editing Masterclass video the entire way through. 

Not this pic. This is the Editing Masterclass pic. Good luck.

THE OWLS BEARS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM!!!!!!!!

I don't know who this is, but she's wearing an LTT shirt,
so I know she is freaking awesome.

They're NOT bears. They're marsupials.

<3

Part C to follow.